SAMPLE

Chapter 8

THE NONPERFECTIONISTIC
PERFECT PARENT

Bonnie's parents fought incessantly. Her father was alcoholic, irresponsible, and demanding. Her mother worked hard to hold the family together. She worked full time and did all she could to please her husband.

When Bonnie was 10, her father had a stroke that left him physically dependent. Bonnie was the oldest child and already had been largely responsible for her siblings. Now she also bore the burden of caring for her unhappy father. She waited on him constantly. She even had to help him bathe and take care of his bodily functions.

Father had always been difficult to please. But now, no matter how much Bonnie did, he demanded more. No matter how carefully she performed her task, it wasn't good enough. No matter how much she was there, she wasn't there enough.

At age 15 Bonnie met a boy who said he loved her and she left home. Although they were young, they worked hard to make a success of their lives. Working hard was something Bonnie knew how to do.

Bonnie finished high school and had two children. But she wasn't happy. She wanted more. She returned to a full- time job. She still wasn't happy. So she added college classes to her already heavy schedule.

Bonnie had high goals. But when she accomplished them, she realized little satisfaction.

It was never enough.

She had internalized her father's impossible-to-please attitude. She continues attempting to earn approval and acceptance. Bonnie expects much of herself and those around her. When her expectations aren't met, she gets depressed.

Many Christians view Heavenly Father as exceedingly difficult to please--demanding, critical, perfectionistic, condemning. They do everything possible to try to please Him. Still, they feel that they don't measure up to His expectations.

Is this an accurate profile? Let's take another look at the One whose attitude and actions best represent Heavenly Father.

Jesus grew up surrounded by perfectionism. He lived in a condemning Pharisaical environment.

Nicodemus was one of those Pharisees--perfectionistic and critical. He was unsatisfied and unhappy (as are all perfectionistic Christians). Was Nicodemus an evil man? Quite the contrary; he was one of the best men in Israel. He lived his religion.

But something was missing in Nicodemus' life. His belief was, Obey and you will earn God's love. Do what God asks and He will have to include you in His kingdom. Nicodemus had become quite good at it. But not good enough.

One night Nicodemus sought time alone with Jesus. Jesus looked into his heart and soul. He said, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again" (John 3:3, NIV).

Nicodemus, you believe you are doing all the right things. You think you are on the way to the kingdom. But you are all mixed up. Your good deeds will never get you into my kingdom. What you need is a new heart.

What a relief it is to discover that we cannot obey God with the nature we are born with.[i] No one can. It can't be done. When we understand that fact, we can fall helplessly before Heavenly Father and say, "OK, here I am. Show me your love."

Nicodemus didn't fully respond to Jesus that night. But later when he saw Jesus on the cross, he understood. He realized how much he was loved--even though he didn't

deserve it. There was nothing he had done, or could do, to earn Heavenly Father's love. That love was already his.

Before his conversion Nicodemus believed that obedience won Heavenly Father's love. Now he knew that Heavenly Father's love wins trust and obedience. He had believed that righteousness brings salvation. Now he understood that salvation brings righteousness.

Friend, if you picture a critical Heavenly Father, pay close attention to what Jesus told Nicodemus. "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him" (John 3:17, NIV).

What good news! He doesn't condemn. Instead, through His Son, Heavenly Father rescues. Condemnation doesn't save. Love saves.

Who then is the condemner? It's the devil, Satan. Scripture calls him "The accuser of our brethren" (Revelation 12:9-10, KJV).

Some people would argue that Heavenly Father must be perfectionistic because Jesus said, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48, NIV). Doesn't that sound perfectionistic?

Perhaps at first glance. But do you think Jesus would ask us to do something that is impossible? We were born with carnal (sinful) natures. So we can't be perfect--unless we claim Jesus Christ's perfection.

Only by accepting His perfect life can we obtain perfection and salvation. He didn't ask us to do the impossible. He did it for us.[ii]

A group of Pharisees once set a trap to see if Jesus agreed with their profile of a critical Heavenly Father.[iii] They created a situation so they could catch a woman in the act of adultery. They knew this woman, and it was an easy task to get the required number of witnesses.

They grabbed this unsuspecting woman and threw her at the feet of Jesus. They were seeking the death penalty. (By the way, these Pharisees were so hypocritical that they didn't accuse the male adulterer. Where was he? Could he have been one of them?)

The woman clutched her blanket tightly around her and gazed at the dirt a few inches from her face. She knew her fate was sealed. Her view of Heavenly Father was the same as the Pharisees. That's exactly why she was doing what she was doing. She felt so helpless, so hopeless, so utterly unloved.

Quietly Jesus bent down and began writing in the dirt. I'd love to know what he wrote, wouldn't you? Perhaps He wrote the sins of the Pharisees. "If," He said, "any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7, NIV).

How their faces must have blanched with humiliation. One by one they shuffled away until Jesus was alone with the woman.

He stood up and asked, "Where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?"

For the first time, the woman dared look up. Hope was returning. She realized her accusers had vanished and she responded, "No one, sir."

And Jesus, representing His Father, said, "Then neither do I condemn you." What relief and joy must have flooded her heart!

How could Jesus be so magnanimous? How could He not condemn her?

He had come to rescue and save. Not condemn.[iv] He knew that very soon He would bear the brunt of Satan's condemnations on the cross.[v] He loved this woman so much that He willingly accepted the condemnation she deserved.

Then Jesus said, "Go now and leave your life of sin." How could He make such a seemingly impossible command?

For the first time in her life this woman had experienced love. Love set her free from the bondage of sin. What she had been looking for in the street she found in the heart of Jesus Christ.

Tina is a modern counterpart of this woman. She had been a high school friend of the pastor. It had been years since he had seen her. One day she unexpectedly arrived on his doorstep.

Tina looked worn and tired. She had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was unkempt. "Come in Tina, what brings you here?"

As Tina sat in the warm hospitality of the pastor's living room, she began to weep.

"My life is such a mess. I don't know where to go. As a child I was sexually abused by my father. And for some reason, I've developed an obsession with sex. I can't control my urges. Every few days I find myself out on the street. It doesn't matter who it is. Lately I've been running into some pretty rough guys. If I don't change my life, I'll soon be dead. Can you help me?"

The pastor and his wife looked at each other. Their gaze asked one question, What would Jesus do?

"We'll do our best to help you. You can stay with us. We love you." They prayed with Tina and asked Heavenly Father to show her His love.

Tina had a sexual addiction. Could it be changed instantaneously? Not normally.

Tina thought of herself as dirt and expected everyone else to view her the same way. Every few days she'd dress for the street. The pastor and his wife tried to tell her she was much too valuable for that. But Tina could only cry and say, "I don't know how to help myself." And off she'd go.

One night Tina returned very shaken. "Do you think angels go with me when I'm out on the street? I was taught that God's angels leave me when I don't do what He wants."

The pastor responded, "Heavenly Father knows you want to be free. He has not abandoned you."

Tina related that she had picked up a couple guys. They started getting violent and pulled a knife. They told her to drive to a certain secluded spot.

"I knew that if I drove there my life was over. I was terrified. Then it seemed like a voice whispered in my ear, 'Speed up.' And I sped up. 'Now run into that telephone pole.' And I sped right into the pole."

"We were all shaken. A crowd gathered and those rough guys ran off."

Tina concluded her experience, "I'm home, I'm home! God saved my life. Do you think God saved my life?"

"Of course He did. Don't you know how much He loves you?"

"No, I don't know. Tell me again."

And the pastor had the privilege of telling Tina the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman. He told her that Heavenly Father doesn't condemn her; He wants to save her.

They all cried and prayed together that night. Over the next few weeks God changed Tina's life.

Every time Tina's compulsion came, she fell to her knees. Instead of praying, "Jesus, I promise not to sin," she prayed, "Jesus, love me some more." And Heavenly Father's love filled her great need to be loved and turned her away from her addiction.

In the process of healing, Tina was welcomed into a warm, nurturing church family. She also worked with a Christian psychotherapist.

It's been several years since that fateful night. Tina remains satisfied with the love of Heavenly Father. She no longer feels that she's not good enough. She knows Heavenly Father as a loving, accepting Parent.

Friend, if Jesus didn't denounce the woman thrown at His feet, if God didn't condemn Tina, Heavenly Father isn't critical of you either. There is no salvation in condemnation. Heavenly Father's love, not our obedience, brings salvation.[vi]

How did Heavenly Father demonstrate His great love? How did He show us that He forgives rather than condemns? How did He prove that He knows sinful humans cannot be perfect?

Rather than letting us face the final consequences of choosing to sin, Heavenly Father sent His Son on a rescue mission. Jesus came "To seek and save what was lost" (Luke 19:10, NIV). He came and lived perfectly for us. And He suffered the consequences that sin dishes out for us. When we accept His gift of salvation we are perfect--in Christ.[vii]

So . . .

"Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? Will God? No! He is the one who has forgiven us and given us right standing with himself.

"Who then will condemn us? Will Christ? No! For He is the one who died for us and came back to life again for us and is sitting at the place of highest honor next to God, pleading for us there in heaven" (Romans 8:33-34, TLB).

Heavenly Father is not perfectionistic, critical, or judgmental. He is accepting, forgiving, caring, and nurturing.

This Parent is on your side.

That's why He sent His Son.

And that's why we call Him "Savior."

[i]. See Romans 7:14-25 and Romans 6:8-21.

[ii]. See Hebrews 12:2, Hebrews 10:10-12, and Acts 4:12.

[iii]. See John 8:2-11.

[iv]. See John 3:17.

[v]. See Isaiah 53:3-6.

[vi]. See John 3:16.

[vii]. See Acts 4:12, Romans 1:16,17, 1 Thessalonians 5:9,10, 1 John 4:16,17, John 3:16, John 14:6, and Hebrews 10:19-23.

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